The Science of Discworld III: Darwin's Watch by Terry Prachett

Author:Terry Prachett [Prachett, Terry]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, Fantasy, Discworld
ISBN: 9780091898236
Publisher: Ebury Press
Published: 2005-06-06T07:00:00+00:00

AUDITORS OF REALITY

IT WAS ONE HOUR LATER. Wizards were ranged in rows across the width of the Great Hal in a variety of costumes, but mostly in what might be cal ed Early Trouser; despite Rincewind's view on nudity, a grubby shirt and pants would pass without comment in many ages and countries and lead to fewer arrests.

'Right, then,' said Ridcul y, striding along the ranks 'We've kept al this very simple so that even professors can understand! Ponder Stibbons has given al of you your tasks!' He stopped in front of a middle-aged wizard.

'You, sir, who are you?'

'Don't you know, sir?' said the wizard, taken aback.

'Slipped m' mind, man!' said Ridcul y. 'Big university, can't be expected to recognise everyone!'

'It's Pennysmart, sir. Professor of Extreme Horticulture.' 'Any good at it?'

'Yes, sir!'

'Any students?'

'No, sir!' said Pennysmart, looking offended.

'That's what I like to hear! And what wil you be doin' today?' 'First, it appears, I shal be dropped waist-deep in a lagoon in the, the -' he stopped, and fumbled a piece of paper out of his pocket '- Keeling islands, where I shal attack the sand bottom round me with this rake,' he held up the implement, 'and then return here as soon as I see any humans.'

'And how wil you do that?'

'Say aloud, "Return Me, Hex",' said Pennysmart, smartly.

'Wel done, good man,' said the Archchancel or. He raised his voice.

'Remember that, everyone! Exactly those words! Write them down if you can't remember them. Hex wil bring you back on the lawn out side the building. There wil be hundreds of you and many of you have several tasks, so we don't want any col isions! Now, if-'

'Excuse me,' said Pennysmart, raising a hand. 'Yes?'

'Why wil I be standing in a lagoon flailing around with a rake, please?'

'Because if you don't do that, Darwin wil tread on the dorsal spine of an extremely poisonous fish,' said Ponder Stibbons. `Now-' 'Excuse me again, please,' Pennysmart said. 'Yes?'

'Why won't I tread on this fish?'

'Because you wil be lookin' where you are treadin', Mr Pennysmart,' roared Ridcul y.

But a forest of other hands had gone up. About the only wizard without a hand aloft was Rincewind, who was staring gloomily at his feet.

'What's al this about?' said the Archchancel or, irritably. 'Why .have I got to move a chair six inches?'

'Why have I got to fil up a hole in the middle of a prairie?' 'Why have I got to bide a pair of trousers?' 'Why have I got to stuff a letter box ful of starved snails?' Ponder waved his clipboard wildly to silence the clamour.

'Because otherwise Darwin would have fal en off a chair or been thrown from a horse or would have been struck by a stone hurled by a rioter or an unwise letter would have reached its destination,' he said.

'But there are more than two thousand tasks, so I can't explain every one.

Some of them are the start of a quite astonishing causal chain.'

`We are supposed to develop questioning minds, you know,' someone muttered.

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